The Lost Notes of Genesis 1: Why the Platypus Doesn’t Have Nipples

Malcolm Watson, 2018

Recently some ancient brass plates containing early writings, older even than the Dead Sea Scrolls, were unearthed in a dry, desolate area of what is now the nation of Jordan. They have now been translated and are thought to contain some early exchanges regarding the recorded history of the Creation as found in Genesis, Chapter 1. Apparently God had an exchange with one of his helping angels regarding the creation of animals during the sixth phase (or Day).

And God said to Duane, “You hounded me to allow you to go off on your own and try your hand at the creation of some animal, and so I finally relented. I thought that your time working under the direction of Michael, who has done an admirable job as my trusted assistant, would have prepared you for this task, but I have to say, Duane, I find it hard to believe what you have come up with—the Platypus?”

But, Dear God, you wanted to give variety to the face of the earth, and some of your creatures have been quite colorful and fantastic. So I thought that….”

“Duane, don’t you remember one of the firm rules for creation: Keep life forms consistent with the phylogenetic order. Let me review what you have done. First you mixed together the beaver, the duck, and the scorpion. With this kind of crazy hodgepodge, humans will also expect that they will find some animal that is a combination of an eagle with a lion, for example, or even more fantastic, a horse with a human. Yes, I love variety, but not the kind of combination that you came up with.”

“But I figured the duck bill and the rudder type tail, and the poison shooting tube coming out of his rear foot would make the platypus adaptable to his land and water environment, sort of like a duck or a beaver.”

“Duane, I’m not finished. You then had this apparent mammal lay eggs, and you had the babies born with teeth, but then they lost them shortly after birth and never grew them back. And to further complicate your creation, you had the platypus produce milk to feed her young, but you forgot to give her nipples. How are the babies supposed to be fed?”

“Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. I guess the milk can just seep out through the mother’s skin, and maybe the babies can lick her fur. But don’t you think her fur is really nice, sort of like a beaver’s?”

“Let me continue, Duane. You also forgot to give the platypus a stomach. And you say you wanted to make her adaptable in water, but you made her to close her eyes and ears underwater, so she is essentially deaf and blind, when she needs to be hunting food.”

“Yeah, I realized I had done that, but it’s ok because I made it so that underwater the platypus can sense things through her duckbill.”

“So you think that’s a good design? It makes about as much sense as the time you created pink elephants when you were working for Michael, and we had to shut down that venture. Thankfully, I let you try out your creation in a remote part of the earth, in Tasmania. Let’s hope they don’t make it across to Australia. Look, Duane, I appreciate your dedication as my assistant. You’re a good guy, but I’m going to have to put you back under Michael, under his strict supervision. But thanks for your effort.”

“OK, God, thanks for letting me try, but don’t you think….”

Unfortunately, the remaining brass plates are apparently missing, and the record ends here.